Half asleep man on the train who has a big smile and an even bigger silver mustache, please tell me your secrets.

Bro, how can you marry someone who doesn’t even follow me on twitter?!

I’m feeling better by the way but this bout of sickness was weird. I think I may have some kind of stomach issue like an ulcer or something.

Feel sick. Can’t eat or drink anything or I throw up. Like, throw up 30 seconds after I even have a sip of water or sooner. Tired, dizzy, stomach hurts. Sometimes stomach hurts in this weird way where I feel like I can feel my heart beat in my stomach.

to do:

1. make soup

2. look for a job

3. watch “the lives of others

4. read my brilliant friend’s essay once he sends it to me

A book so good I somehow missed my stop and stayed on the train reading by mistake. A book so good that in my memory my stop never came. It never happened. I just suddenly had already gone by it.

I knew this very funny kid, who I think was a senior in high school at the time, and anyway his mom kept asking him what he wanted for Christmas so he sarcastically replied that he wanted new snow pants. He was like 6 foot four and 18 years old. Apparently his mom misunderstood and thought he was being serious about wanting snow pants and so Christmas morning he unwrapped very large, dark blue, poofy, overall-style snow pants like what a little kid would wear but big enough for this massive dude.

I know this story because I saw this kid wearing the snow pants at a party, which is what he did with them—wore them to parties sometimes, it’s not like he ever played in the snow. Anyway I was just laughing to myself about the snow pants and realized I can’t remember that kid’s name anymore. I’ve forgotten it.

Shrek was originally going to be voiced by Chris Farley.

So basically 49% of men said they do not consider themselves someone who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.


So basically 49% of men said they do not consider themselves someone who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.


Richard Nixon’s father only went to school through the sixth grade.

Richard Nixon belongs somewhere in the history of whatever modern instinct led us to Reality Television and then on into the profound obsession with self-documentation of social media. We think of Nixon as a political figure but isn’t there another aspect of his whole story that is pointing to something about modernity that is way way deeper than anything political could ever be?

Zach Braff has too much face, right? Do you guys know what I mean? His face has too much face on it. That’s more face than his face can handle. Somebody gave his face extra face!

Be a Derek Jeter fan if you want but I know it when I see a guy who would get dragged to a brunch he didn’t want to be at by his lady friend and then ruin the brunch by smugly moping the whole time. And by “ruin it” I mean “try to ruin it.” Sorry, Derek, we’re doing fine without you. Tell us another story that’s kind of but not exactly about you being famous, Derek. How do you mope smugly anyway? You’re the worst.

The ape, vilest of beasts, how like to us.
Quintus Ennius

On the first day of adult karate class I ask every student for their wallet and then I suddenly am burning them all before they even know what’s happening. Then I smile at the students smugly and say “Sensei just taught you lesson número uno.” Then I bail.