Best text message misspelling ever: “wedding” becoming “wetting”

I think I remember being a little kid and watching a spider along with this other kid and saying something about how I’d never been entirely clear on whether spiders have lungs and breathe like people do and I think the other kid then tried to drown the spider in some water because he thought they did breathe and I don’t remember what I thought of this at the time but all these years later what I think is that that is surely not the best way to do science. There must be ways of investigating whether or not a creature breathes besides trying to drown it.

A younger male friend of mine was telling me today about fake butts. I’d never heard of such a thing. He says Nicki Minaj has a fake butt. So do many strippers. Many girls on vine too. I looked at him perplexed and he said to me very earnestly: “Adam, you can’t trust butts no more.”

Just heard a guy say “I’m a widower and not by choice.”

Ah, yeah. Otherwise wouldn’t you be a murderer?

In season 7 of The Simpsons Marge and Homer have to go to a parenting class for unfit parents and the funniest thing is all the celebratory gunfire by the class anytime they do anything right.

When I’m home alone I start eating so much ice cream and also I start talking to myself, like talking to myself loudly with passion and humor—and often what I’m talking about is the ice cream.

This is a photo of a big stone lion. Then a photo of me pretending the lion is talking on the phone. Then a photo of me and my new lion friend.

The problem with my brain is that it tends to think stuff like “I have made no money lately and that makes me feel bad. I should go spend money to feel better.”

I started watching that movie Neighbors but shut it off after 40 seconds. I just didn’t want to see Seth Rogen and that lady from Damages married to each other. It seemed depressing for both of them somehow. That’s no knock on the movie really. I only watched it for a few seconds. But I doubt Zac Efron showing up would have saved the day. I just shut it off weirdly convinced that that movie would have made me feel sad.

Are people done dumping ice on themselves? Or is that still happening?

Ladies, you wouldn’t believe how many penises you can see in the mens room. Like a dozen. All peeing. Or about to pee. Or having just peed. That’s something us men get to look at if we want to and if we’re casual about it. You can’t look too eagerly or I think the other men will turn on you. I don’t know that they will turn on you for a fact but that’s my impression.

I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn’t get better. You get better.
Joan Rivers in ‘Louie’


'The Daily Show' correspondent, comedian and 'SNL' writer will man the desk with Colin Jost. Cecily Strong asked to be taken off to have more opportunity to appear in sketches.

I can’t stop laughing about the fact that there’s a Battlestar Galactica episode called “Guess What’s Coming to Dinner”

I am like a giggle machine right now

What if after a human being had sex their skin turned blue for 24 hours? Like walking down the street you could tell who had been fucking lately. One can imagine frat boys so embarrassed about not being blue. Or a wife getting home from a business trip and seeing her bright blue stay-at-home husband sitting at the table and instantly saying: “We need to talk.”