I just realized that the photo of the cat on the cover of Rolling Stone also has Lana Del Rey in it.

Oh my god this guy next to me ordered a white wine! Is he going to go shop for shoes and talk about his divorce next???? Sickening. Tell me about your kids now you Chardonay-drinking turtle fuck!

Hold on I think he’s reading this

I like wine so much but the dude who sits down at a bar and orders a glass of wine is, to my mind, no man at all. He’s a kind of turtle really. A soft, pathetic turtle I don’t respect.

I remember seeing Will Smith say that he’d explained to his kids that they aren’t rich. “Mommy and Daddy are rich. You’re broke.”

But the thing is I can’t think of anyone who acts less broke than Jaden Smith. Will Smith did a bad job giving Jaden that unlucky broke feeling that really would have made that kid tolerable.

If you think about Matlock and Steve Martin, it becomes kind of astounding that men haven’t started all wearing white suits all the time.

There needs to be a word for when writing is doing what it’s talking about. Like when the writer is taking their own advice during the act of giving you advice. You see it in books about usage a lot but you see it other places too. The writer is writing about writing and doing so in such a way that the writer is not just explaining what they’re saying, they’re also demonstrating it. I want there to be a word for this! The best example is this Gary Provost quotation, but it happens more often than you think:

“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”

Should adult men ever even wear shorts in non-athletic situations?

The older I get the more wrong it feels.

If you can't do italics on your phone, you should render such titles as SCRUBS or GILMORE GIRLS. It will help distinguish your blog from the fan-girl musings of a 14-year old cheerleader.

What’s wrong with the musings of a 14 year old cheerleader you sexist agist anti-cheerleading jerkface?

Dear Jusky, I'm a lifelong Cavs fan and I'm worried that management will make a shortsighted move that depletes all our depth by trading Andrew Wiggins (and parts) for Kevin Love. We also have no center behind Varejao, and I'm not sure anyone on our team besides LeBron knows how to play any defense. What would you do if you were in the GM chair?

I wouldn’t trade Wiggins. I’d wait a year and try to just sign Love as a free agent. Better to give up only money. I love spending other people’s money! By the way how did I get this job? I can’t believe I’m the Cavs GM! It’s true that you don’t have incredible depth at the center spot or great defensive players beyond LeBron. What can you do? Who does have that stuff in the east really, not that many teams. You’re gonna play an up-tempo version of the princeton offense so that will help hide some of those weaknesses, but it seems like you need more shooting. LeBron needs more shooters around him. Even Kyrie is far from great as a catch-and-shoot guy. Have y’all signed Ray Allen? If I’m the Cavs GM I’d want to add cheap veteran shooters. Mike Millers and Ray Allens. Gee wiz, this was such a great job for me to land. My mom is going to be so proud of me.

But is Iggy Azelia really even in the murda business?

*falls down the stairs while walking on a golf course* “I’m somewhat clumsy”

My girlfriend activated the emojis in my phone so if you have my phone number, text me and I will reply with either an emoji that represents your personality or a random emoji, depending on my mood.

Everything I thought was cool when I was 20 pales in comparison to the quiet happiness of talking with my girlfriend about what to have for dinner.

Ecksjay visiting tomorrow and I’m gonna see him do stand up!

I think about that bridge in Temple of Doom pretty much every day.