My predictions about the future include:

In the future the whole world will feel exactly like being inside an airport.

In the future, everyone will have I.V. drip things going all the time like in a hospital—I don’t know why—but we definitely will. Maybe because it will make it easier to take our super powerful antidepressants intravenously. We’re going to need those intravenous antidepressants in the airport world that lies ahead.

Isn’t our interest in stories about people who survived the apocalypse kind of a disguised confession of the fact that we don’t like our normal everyday existence and wish something would end it without killing us?

In my opinion, the guy who plays the protagonist in ‘Rectify’ looks like a less Disney version of the sad old man Brendan Fraser has become.

I had my colonoscopy today and it was no big deal really. Although they didn’t find whatever they’re looking for so I have to have more tests, but none of those tests will involve cameras in my butt so I’m pumped.

Now I’m sitting on the couch and have impulsively decided to watch the 1994 tv miniseries of The Stand. Looks like it’s gonna be a fun one.

Today an Ethiopian man I was talking to started speaking to me in Ethiopian because he temporarily forgot that I wasn’t Ethiopian as well. I decided this was a compliment.

I’m thinking preparation for a colonoscopy is probably exactly like when Jeff Daniels goes on a date in Dumb & Dumber. I’m scared.

I just saw a boy who is like maybe 14 or 15 years old wearing a gray t-shirt that says on it in big black letters: SEX FREAK.

I literally grimaced looking at it like I was an angry old lady in a movie.

From December 1990 through the 1998 Finals, not including his baseball sabbatical, the Chicago Bulls never lost three straight games with Jordan.

Isn’t it insane to think that anyone has ever been romantically attracted to you? That shit is crazy. Why? What are they thinking? Everyone’s on mushrooms these days is my opinion.

Michael Scott’s fear that as a kid his dog ran away to find another kid he liked better.

I hear in California if you’re from the wrong zip code people really hate you and consider you a butthead so you better do your best to be friends with Veronica Mars or Tupac or Harvey Milk because presumably they are more inclusive than other Californians. To be honest I’m not actually a California expert.

I’m drunk and I don’t mean drunk with power

"Honey, if he thinks that’s okay he’s just spending money to see if he has any—time to cut off the funds. Break up with him!"

—Me giving advice to strangers at this bar. I might be pretending to be a character of some kind. It’s unclear.

I’m getting a colonoscopy soon. If you want to send me a colonoscopy gift to mark the occasion you can see the colonoscopy gift registry at JuskysFirstColonoscopy.com/ColonoscopyGifts/Registry

I’m the best parker of cars I know by a considerable margin.