I think my brain purposely misheard this one, but two girls in my bookstore were just talking about a boy and I swear one of them said: “He’s like the Jock Jams of people.”
Late one Sunday morning, Adam began to alienate people by abruptly saying ” WHO-GIVES-A-SHIT ALERT!” whenever anyone spoke to him.
Have you ever read the thing about how depressed people have more accurate perceptions about certain things than non-depressed people? There’s some study about this but I don’t really know anything about it. But it still makes you think in this funny way about what we think of as disorders. Like it’s not hard to imagine that having ADD is actually being more in touch with how interesting things really are—like, things are very interesting at first and then quickly reveal themselves to be not that interesting. From some higher more accurate perspective maybe it really only makes sense to pay attention to something for like one second and then look for something more interesting right away. Know what I mean? Whatever. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t feel like working today. Look, something shiny!
One of the things that really jumps out at you if you actually read the bible is how fucking serious that book is about no going to see wizards or witches or anybody who will cast magic spells on your behalf. It doesn’t warn you that those people are frauds; it just warns you that God gets really fucking pissed if you get their help. God hates wizards so fucking much, you guys!
In terms of best Simpsons episodes without a monorail, I think you could do a lot worse than episode 13 of season 6. It’s called “And Maggie Makes Three” and it’s not that funny. But it is an amazing story about finding out what makes you happy and then having life surprise you. Then it becomes about doing what you have to do to get by and eventually finding that through making sacrifices you’ve discovered an even richer happiness than you had before.
I just saw The Monuments Men. The actually movie was just okay I thought. Good but not that good. However, with that cast you really can’t complain too much. I would watch Goodman or Murray do anything.
Now I’m thinking I should have a margarita. Happy Valentines day!
This one’s for the fellas. Guys, listen, you should see the movie Bronson. It makes you feel so much better about your penis! Thomas Hardy has a beautiful body but there’s one problem. He got a weird ding dong in that movie. It actually was a nice boost for my own penis’s self esteem!
I have a great idea for a tv show. I call it NGAR. New Girl Alternate Reality. It’s exactly like the show New Girl, except Winston is still playing pro ball in Latvia and Coach is still living in the apartment. Other than that, the show is identical to New Girl (or as I like to call it: NGRR/New Girl Regular Reality).
The fact that NGAR is so similar to NGRR is what gives it so much philosophical weight and what allows the show to ponder just how inevitable and pre-determined our lives really are. It also means you basically don’t have to hire writers and can do almost everything through re-editing and partial re-shooting. If you don’t like this idea, I honestly hate you and we were never friends. YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME!
I think my LinkedIn has become sentient and malevolent. It’s gone rogue, making unauthorized moves behind my back and then covering up its tracks like a roomba that secretly breaks stuff around your house so that it can clean up the mess.
I’m a delight and I’m the worst.
Like this morning I made my girlfriend laugh because I kept shouting to our butler. I was like BUTLER, BRING ME MY CLOTHES! And then I’d like wait and get all impatient. BUTLER! BRING ME MY CLOTHES AND PICK UP ALL THESE DISHES! And anyway this made my girlfriend laugh because obviously we don’t have a butler but I was really like into it and getting so mad about the fucking butler ignoring me. But what’s wrong with me is that I just kept yelling at the butler for like 40 minutes. And my girlfriend isn’t even here now—she went to the store—and I’m having to stop myself from still lecturing the butler.