Let me now in awestruck horror contemplate all the other ways I could have used my time. This is my 5000th post.

It’s weird to bring half a bottle of tequila to somebody’s house, right? You can’t just show up with that and sort of smile and be like yeah I wanted to make sure my needs will be met tonight.

She Thought It Was An Actual Homeless Person


A new religious statue in the town of Davidson, N.C., is unlike anything you might see in church.

The statue depicts Jesus as a vagrant sleeping on a park bench. St. Alban’s Episcopal Church installed the homeless Jesus statue on its property in the middle of an upscale neighborhood filled with well-kept townhomes. Jesus is huddled under a blanket with his face and hands obscured; only the crucifixion wounds on his uncovered feet give him away.

The reaction was immediate. Some loved it; some didn’t. “One woman from the neighborhood actually called police the first time she drove by,” says David Boraks, editor of DavidsonNews.net. “She thought it was an actual homeless person.”

—John Burnett, NPR, “Statue Of A Homeless Jesus Startles A Wealthy Community

Jack Dall’s Three Rules of Show Business

1. Look ‘em in the eyes and talk from the heart.

2. You gotta go away to come back.

3. If someone tells you something and asks you to keep it a secret, that secret is a lie.

When I make coffee now I say to myself in that really fucking annoying Rob Schneider copy guy voice: “Makin’ coffee.”

So that’s not good.



My Mom just accidentally prematurely sent an email to an accounting firm… It was supposed to say ‘I am afraid that we will have to postpone our meeting”

but she hit send when all it said was

Hi Jeffrey,
      I am afraid


In the summer of 1922, he was hiking in the French Pyrenees when he noticed a small stream flowing from the base of a mountain. He shucked off his clothes and lit a candle, then wedged himself through the crack and waded in. The tunnel followed the stream for a couple of hundred feet, then dipped below the waterline. Rather than turn back, Casteret set his candle on a ledge, took a deep breath, and swam ahead, groping the wall till he felt the ceiling open up above him. He went on to explore many miles of tunnels inside the cave, culminating in a pair of large, airy galleries. The first was covered in spectacular limestone formations. The second was smaller and drier, with a dirt floor. When Casteret held his candle up to its walls, the flame flickered over engravings of mammoths, bison, hyenas, and other prehistoric beasts—the remains of a religious sanctuary some twenty thousand years old.

I just saw someone comment on Instagram, quote:

"Follow me plz! I love dog"

I really like the sassy old lady commenting on the red wedding: as if men need another reason to fear marriage.

I bought this stuff that you can squirt into water and it turns the water into an energy drink. I’ve been squirting it into wine and doing a Courtney Love impression. I keep throwing stuff at imaginary Madonna while imaginary Kurt Loser interviews her. By the way, that’s no typo back there. I call Kurt Loder “Kurt Loser” whenever I drink Energy Wine and work on my Courtney Love impression.

…the toddler still made little fists and screamed except maybe now merely on reflex from fear, the Daddy would know he thought it possible later, small face distended and thready veins standing out at the temples and the Daddy kept saying he was here he was here, adrenaline ebbing and an anger at the Mommy for allowing this thing to happen just starting to gather in wisps at his mind’s extreme rear and still hours from expression.

David Foster Wallace, Incarnations of Burned Children

That “the Daddy kept saying he was here he was here “

Don’t read this.

I’m reading a book about bugs. There’s a chapter that has to do with when bugs get into people. Cockroaches trapped in the ear, that kind of thing. It is beyond crazy to read about. The mechanics of getting a living cockroach out of someone’s ear. Do you use fluid to drown it first? What’s crazy is that in terms of bugs and orifices, cockroach in the ear is one of the better ones. It’s a big world and every once in a while the grossest stuff ever happens somewhere. I’m not talking about cockroaches in the ear here. That happens ALL THE TIME. Emergency Rooms are probably like always ready for just a bug in your ear. They probably don’t even have to look up what to do. They’re probably like Oh, cockroach in the ear in room two? Yawn. Hey Judy, will you grab the cockroach in the ear shit for me?

The Louie episode “Dad”

Someone just said to me, well, what can you do?

And I responded: “I don’t know. Go with the flow, I suppose.”

And the sound of the words I’d just said made me happy suddenly.