My mom reads my twitter. She just suggested I tweet more often and be funnier.

My schedule is as open as my relationship with my wife!
Tobias Funke
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

I had a dream it was my birthday and I was pumped for some awesome birthday stuff to happen. When I woke up it was not my birthday and I was sort of shocked at the idea that I’d been so happy about a birthday anyway. It’s like I don’t even know who dream me is anymore. Fuck birthdays.

This is probably a weird one, but, man, shout out to all the people on tumblr I love so much but don’t know how to talk to. Y’all got people like that? Just, fucking, everyday, I’m like this person is so funny and smart and cool and beautiful and has so much integrity—they just have the fucking magic.

What do they get from me? I admire them everyday. What do they get from me?

Every 18 to 24 months I’ll send them a message: Yo, you rule!

That’s it. That’s all I have. You’re a masterpiece and I can barely clap.

Better a good fight than an okay relationship, right? I’ve got former friends and former girlfriends (I almost said former lovers) who the best thing about is that we blew it up instead of fading out. I think you really do honor to a thing by leaving while it’s still alive instead of waiting for it to die, you know?



Sam Smith — Stay With Me

I’d never heard of this dude before he was on SNL but I really like this song. It makes me sad in a happy way.

I don’t really understand why everyone isn’t obsessed with this song. What is wrong with everyone?

So good at cooking french fries that it’s actually a little sad.

"that’s all he has" people whisper as they walk away, shaking their heads, smelling the crisp golden deliciousness…

It’s kind of amazing that anybody who isn’t in your family or one of your coworkers even knows your name. Why should they? It’s crazy. It’s very nice of anyone to learn your name or remember what you look like or remember some facts about you or if they’re alone with you, it’s amazing they don’t bash your skull in and steal your money. People are much nicer than they have to be. It’s lovely.

I’m so into hot dogs lately. They’re so good!

This is a thing I wrote about the use of quotation marks in fiction.

I’d be honored if you read it or pretended you did. Thanks!

I swear to god the only thing that has ever made me think that maybe someday I’ll want to be a parent is seeing the parents in the movie Easy A.

Is that weird?

I went in the booth and told the priest that I’m not a strong swimmer and he said that wasn’t a real confession but he doesn’t know what it’s like at the beach for me and how nervous I get trying to avoid that shit so the other kids don’t know

Ghosts be mad gay yo they always gettin in yo thoughts n gettin you thinkin bout that D

Follow me plz! I love dog